The 3 Stages of Love

By Neve on Sunday, February 13th, 2011

Love Heart, photo by Niamh Savani

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, many people may be reflecting on the state of their current love relationship, or either the lack of such a relationship in their life. Maybe you’re at the butterflies in the stomach, stars in your eyes stage of a relationship, or maybe you’re currently going through a relationship crisis. Perhaps you’ve recently exited an unhealthy relationship and are just loving being alone. Maybe you never want to be in a relationship again. You may be enjoying a beautiful, mature, yummy stage of your relationship where peace, passion, and tranquility reign.

On the other hand you might be longing for that special someone to enter your life and fall in love. No matter where you are on the relationship scale, most likely it consumes plenty of your time and energy.

I’m no relationship expert, but after enduring a few dating fiascos (way back when …), and surviving a few crises in my marriage, the hubby and I are preparing to celebrate (yes, really …celebrate!) twelve years of marriage on our Valentine’s Day anniversary. Through the years I’ve experienced many joys and troubles only an intimate relationship can bring. I’ve also witnessed upheavals in family and friends’ intimate relationships. It’s easy to fall in love the first time, but it’s not so easy to fall in love again whether with a new person or re-committing to your original partner.

There are many stages in a committed love relationship, and many experts describe and categorize these stages differently. For the sake of simplicity, I’ve chosen three stages:

Romantic Love
Conflict in Love
Realistic Love.

Romantic Love: Falling in Love the First Time

“It’s so easy to fall in love, It’s so easy to fall in love, People tell me love’s for fools, Here I go, breaking all the rules, It seems so easy (It’s so easy, it’s so easy, it’s so easy), Yeah, so doggone easy.” ~ Linda Ronstadt

As the song says, it’s so easy to fall in love, especially the first time! It just seems to magically happen, and everything feels right in the world. Endorphins are swirling through your body and passion is the name of the game. In your mind you place this person on a pedestal and they absolutely can do no wrong. You are totally infatuated and maybe even a bit obsessed. You are immersed in a fantasy world and it cannot last forever.

Ever wondered why it is called “Falling in Love”? Well because you keep falling and sooner or later you hit rock bottom. Your fantasy about your beloved dissolves and you are no longer looking through rose colored glasses. You probably don’t like the reality of the person you now see compared to the original fantasy.

Thankfully the infatuation stage usually lasts only a few months, but in certain cases it can last up to approximately two years. Even worse than infatuation is limerence, which is like infatuation on steroids. After the infatuation has ceased, if there was nothing more than physical attraction to begin with, the relationship will probably dissolve. However, on the other hand, if there is something deeper than mere physical attraction such as shared interests, values, and worldview, then the relationship may move on to the next stage.

Conflict in Love: Power Struggles in Relationships

“The course of true love never did run smooth.”
~ Shakespeare, from A Midsummer’s Night Dream

If you survive the infatuation and still think there’s something worth holding on to, you become attached, and maybe even committed. There are different types of struggles in a committed relationship, whether or not you are married. Of course there are the usual squabbles over silly little things such as whether you put out the trash, where you put that all important scrap of paper (that just happened to have a vital phone number on it), why you forgot to call etc.

Married or not, the honeymoon period lasts only a short time and then reality bites, and one person tries to gain dominance in the relationship. This results in a power struggle back and forth as both partners test how far they can push the other and when to pull back. Without a word being said, you both learn where the balance of power lies in the relationship (and each person may be more powerful in certain situations). An unwritten power script for that particular relationship is formed. This generally works well and a certain balance that can be full of wonderful moments, and plenty of love is maintained. However solid this unwritten power script appears and however long it lasts, it can be easily shattered by a crisis and then the relationship is on rocky ground. If you haven’t experienced a crisis yet in your relationship, believe me you will!

Every relationship will hit crisis point sooner or later. For some it may be sooner, and for others it will be later but I believe this is an inevitability in any long term committed relationship. In fact you may even encounter more than one over the years, and if you are unlucky, a few could hit in a relatively short time period. Crises can take many different forms depending on the lessons you need to learn in life. You may have to deal with health issues, communication problems, infidelity, infertility, spiritual crises, growing apart, parenting issues, death in the family, addictions etc. The list is endless …

Certain situations such as physical and emotional abuse may have only one obvious solution – ending the relationship – fast! However, often people feel that that their relationship is worth fighting for and they are willing to try and find a workable solution. You may need to seek some professional help and have a trained counselor listen to your situation and provide the neutral support, and non-judgmental guidance you need.

“Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional. They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are “in love”, but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency”. ~ Eckhart Tolle

Clear, honest, communication with your partner is a vital key to surviving a crisis. One of the best books I have read and used in my own life is the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It basically describes five love language types: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Think offering to cook a meal or doing some laundry can’t be an expression of love? Think again! Take the quiz, and find your love language and then have your partner do the same. If you both really commit to not only learning both your languages but “talking” them as well, watch the magic begin!

When a crisis hits your world is turned upside down, and once the dust settles there usually is a lot of stuff that needs to be forgiven. It might involve self forgiveness, forgiving your partner, and maybe also forgiving others. Usually it involves a mixture of all three, perhaps with more intense focus on one type of forgiveness. This can be extremely difficult to face and we often try to avoid this at all costs.

Whether you decide to stay in a relationship or leave, forgiveness must happen after a crisis. This is essential for your own health and healing, and also by default for the health and healing of others and hard as it is to believe, the entire planet. Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping is recognized as a one of the best resources for addressing and dealing with forgiveness issues. Check it out!

Realistic Love: Falling in Love – Again

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. …Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.” ~ -St. Augustine

Ok, so you’ve fallen in love and survived the infatuation. Then you managed to get through all the squabbles, and have actually survived a crisis or two in a committed relationship. Or alternatively you may have found the only acceptable solution was to leave. If you’re single again, you have to go back to stage 1 (infatuation etc. …) and begin all over again. You will keep attracting the same types of relationship until you finally learn your lesson and move on. Only then can you progress though all the different stages in a relationship or else decide that you do not want a relationship again in this lifetime.

You’ve actually been courageous enough to do all the inner and outer work required for your healing and return to wholeness. You’ve struggled through all the muck and are still in the relationship, so obviously you’ve finally realized that you’re really not suited to running off to become a monk or nun, or living full time and meditating in a cave in India. So now what to do? The answer is simple – accept reality! You must learn to live with the real person in the relationship, not your fantasy projection on your loved one.

“Can we change an addictive relationship into a true one?

Yes. Being present and intensifying your presence by taking your attention ever more deeply into the Now. Whether you are living alone or with a partner, this remains the key. For love to flourish, the light of your presence needs to be strong enough so that you no longer get taken over by the thinker or the pain-body and mistake them for who you are. To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain is freedom, salvation, enlightenment”. ~ Eckhart Tolle

It really is that simple. Accept reality and it won’t bite you. Continually bring your attention back to the present moment and be an observer of your own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, especially concerning your relationship. Be very aware when bodily pain or negative thoughts enter your system and reflect on why this is happening. Change that negative pattern of thought, especially if it concerns your relationship. Be present, raise your consciousness, and experience the miracle of love in your life!

What is your current relationship status?

What do you enjoy about your current relationship status? What would you like to change?

How can you bring more consciousness and presence to your intimate relationship?

Resources:

5 Love Languages

Radical Forgiveness

Eckhart Tolle